Confessions of a Bulimic

Almost a month??

2007-01-18T19:23:00.000-08:00

Holy Hannah......its seriously almost been a month since my last post. WOW. Well hmmm where to start.....Christmas was good...had a couple episodes over Christmas but nothing that I felt too bad about. I mean yes, I would have loved to be able to not b/p at all but I have to realize that Im not totally over this and there will be bumps. There were, I got over them.

So now its January. I have not b/p since January 1st. I feel fabulous. I have not even had the urge to binge since January 8th can you believe that?? My sister and I joined the Body for Life Challenge at our gym. A 12 week long program on food and exercize, its amazing. Its nice to have a coach to tell us what kinds of foods are actually good fuel and what exercizes will yeild the maximum results. So far its been amazing. I feel great and think its just what I needed.

Work is going really well. This is my first year actually teaching in Canada so it has been a learning experience since September but I finally feel like I really know what Im doing...I dont stay for hours after school..it feels great.

I think I met a boy.......cant comment too much on him just yet other than hes so cute and so sweet.....nuff said :)

Hope all is well with you ladies.....

Love,
Michelle

2006-12-24T05:22:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas ladies!!

I know I haven't been so good with posting but things are going really well. In the past month I have had one slip up. I feel great about that. I am really enjoying the holidays and being thankful that I have come such a long way since this time last year.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year. Enjoy this time and be good to yourselves.

Oh, my friend had her baby on Dec 22....it was a 7lb 14 oz girl...perfect perfect perfect. She ended up having a c-section which was definitely not fun but c-section babies dont have coneheads hehehe so she's gorgeous...her name is Madelanya Rose (Maddie).

Talk soon!

Love,
Michelle

HUGE DAY

2006-12-10T14:04:00.000-08:00

Well, yesterday was perhaps one of the best days I have had in a long time. Since the beginning of my struggle with Bulimia, I have slowly alienated myself from a lot of my best friends. I never really meant to do it but I slowly backed away from those who know me really well mostly out of fear that they would notice that something wasn't right with me and would call me on it. I was silently screaming for help but at the same time, unsure of what I would do if anyone extended their hand to help me. Would I take it? Would I slap their hand away? I really think I would have slapped their hand away. I say that only because when I was in the midst of my struggles I knew I couldn't live like this forever, I knew part of me wanted to change but the other part of me didn't think I could change and wasn't sure I actually wanted to.

In the past year, I have seen my life go from extremely fullfilling, to almost meaningless. I was existing rather than living. It took me almost a year to see it. Now that I have I am absolutely shocked that I went on so long. Anyway, little by little my life is changing and I am SO happy to see it coming back, Im getting back to who I am and who ever would have known it would be so amazing.

On Friday, I caught up with my bestest friend from high school. She and I have really drifted apart in the last couple years. I flew home from Japan last year to be in her wedding. That was when I was up to my ears in an eating disorder and I knew for a fact that she knew something was up. So rather than sit and talk to the one I knew would listen with an open mind and without judgement, I did my best to make sure we didn't spend anytime alone. I made sure we were always caught up in wedding things so that there would be no time for her to tell me she was here if I needed to talk. I managed to avoid that the whole 3 weeks I was home. I got back to Japan...back to where no one knew anything was wrong.

Since I moved home from Japan last Christmas, I made every possible excuse not to catch up with her. She lives about 45 mins away from me and I had not seen her once in a year. I literally turned and ran from her. I often think if she were to alienate me like I did her would I be there for her if she ever tried to make nice? I really hope I would...but man it would be hard.
She phoned me in May to tell me she was having a baby...I really should have been down there the moment she called to celebrate this fantastic news the way a real best friend would...instead I made empty promises to go see her...I never did. This has continued for months.

In October, we made plans for me to go see her new house and her growing baby. I really did plan to go then. I wrote it down on two calendars and I forgot. So rather than calling her and telling her that....I did what I did best...criticized the hell out of myself and then avoided her. Finally, on Friday we caught up. I knew the jig was up. I couldnt lie to her anymore, I couldnt make up anymore lame excuses...I had to let her in. We made plans to get together on Saturday, and I actually kept the plans.

We got together yesterday for lunch. She is as beautiful as ever...very close to her due date she is just stunning...the only thing different is that there is a full grown baby inside her just waiting to make her appearance. I say her only because I want a girl haha.

Anyway, we chatted about all the things that had been going on lately and we caught up on all the town gossip hehe. Then I just let down all my walls and told her about everything that had been going on. I think on part of her was shocked, one part was relieved to finally know and one part of her knew all along. Thats the great thing about best friends...they really do already know what your going to say...they just wait for you to say it.

Her reaction is exactly what it should have been. Kind, understanding and certainly not judgemental. She told me that she knew something was up and wasn't sure how to go about talking to me about it. She told me about different times when she suspected things and also that she thought I was headed for trouble the year before it all started...she was right.

She is now the only friend I have who knows everything that is going on. (Not that I dont consider you gals my friends, I certainly do, but I just mean my friends who I have known for years) It was not nearly as hard as I imagined it would be to tell her. Once I started it just flowed out. I feel like a whole new person now that I have told her. Like a whole weight has literally been lifted off my shoulders. Im relieved to know I am not lying to her anymore, and even more relieved to know that through it all she is still by my side. I don't know what I did to deserve a friend like her but Im so glad I found her.

Anyway, I hope you gals had a good weekend. I cannot post messages on anyones blogs right now because there is something going on with my internet that isn't letting me have second windows open up...Im no computer whiz but I know its not right hehe. Im reading your blogs I just cant respond....I will as soon as I can.

Take care,
Michelle xo

2006-12-08T13:02:00.000-08:00

Well ok....so it's been awhile since my last official post. So yeah here's a recap....Friday was my staff party...I ended up drinking far more than a bottle of wine...lets try two bottles and 6 shots of sour puss...the good thing was I was too drunk to even think about eating bad food....but not too drunk to hit on the bartender who occaisionally subs at my school...who also came back to our after party looking for me but by that time I was too drunk and gone home to pass out fully clothed with a box of Dunkaroos on my chest...yep I went home planning to eat Dunkaroos apparently but I actually got them opened.

Saturday was a glorious day of hangover...one of those good ones where your ok as long as you dont actually open your eyes, move your head, hear any form of noise whatsoever and eat a lot of grease. I finally managed to roll out of bed at 2pm. My sister and I went shopping in town around 3 but not before I gunned a double cheeseburger meal from good ole Macca's into me. That was so de-frickin-licious. We shopped for a bit then decided we needed to go for supper at East Side Marios....where we split an order of Nachos, the all you can eat bread and salad then each proceeded to eat a pasta plate...needless to say there was no room for dessert. So yeah all in all....I did not exercize either of those days.

Sunday was a new day. I got up went to the gym, did a good leg workout for 45 min and ate really well...it feels good to have a productive Sunday. Monday was excellent as well...I ate really well and got in a 45 min Cardio workout. Tuesday was my lazy day...it was a long day at school and I was beat when I got home...I didn't go to the gym...I ate really well though so I felt ok about that. Wednesday I went to the gym and made up for not going Tuesday I did a good 45 min arm workout and a 30 min Cardio...also ate really well yesterday too.

Then today rolls around, Im feeling amazing...I didnt feel like going to the gym but decided to push myself to go for a quick cardio workout. When I got there I felt great I ended up doing a 25 min walk/run and 30 min on the bike...I ate really well today too. I weighed myself at the gym tonite and I am down 1.8 since Sunday so that helped motivate me to stay on track tonite.

I am so glad we are doing this challenge....it has helped me put a realistic perspective on things...Im not being perfect Im being real...this is part of me...I like to go out...I drink...sometimes too much and eat bad the next day...thats what I do....im sure there are people who think thats bad...meh...whatever I like it haha. So I think its all about balance through the week.

I have another staff party next weekend...this one is at my principals house...I think I might offer to drive for that one...no need of being a drunk asshole at his house....plus there is no bartender to hit on so whats the use hahaha.....

Much Love to you girls
Michelle xo

Tuesday

2006-11-28T09:13:00.000-08:00

Hey girls,

Sorry for my missing in action status lately. Things have been rather hectic. So...where to begin? Hmmm ok well my one week challenge was not as great as I would have liked but it did allow me to have five days of goodness. I had a rough couple days day 6 and 7...nothing extreme but just some over eating combined with more negative self talk...the good news is...I got out of it. Yesterday was fantastic...I felt great all day, complimented myself a couple times and had a great workout at the gym. I told my best friend about trying to have a week of being good to myself...she challenged me to another week with her. Our goal is to eat healthy and get to the gym 6 of 7 days. She is not totally in the loop as far as just how deep my struggles are but she knows something isn't right...she never prys and Im grateful for that.

School has been really crazy lately. The kids are getting wound up for Christmas which makes it harder to get things done. There is one in my class that Im worried about which stresses me out...I can't leave it at work I just worry about him at night, all day....its awful. We are taking the proper chanels to find out what is going on with him but things are such a process its frustrating.

Things with John and I are over. I am not totally sure why other than the fact that it just wasnt feeling right. It's the best I can do to explain. Im a firm believer if your heart is telling you something you just have to listen to it. I know that might sound cold but I just can't explain why things are wrong...they just are.

Today has been a great day so far. I am busy but I love being busy. I hope you are all having a good day and that you all know just how much I appreciate you!!

Love,
Michelle

Day 5

2006-11-19T18:23:00.000-08:00

Not fabulous...but not bad...I ate more than I had to but I didnt purge. I definitely lost a bit of self control around some cookies but it wasnt a full blown binge so I guess its still progress...Im not feeling that great about it but I vow to leave it at that and roll on...I cant let a bump in the road be the end of the journey....4 days of strength will not be undone by one day of weakness.

More tomorrow Im really drained.....loooooong day today

Day Four

2006-11-18T04:47:00.000-08:00

Well Day 4 came and went with no problems. It was a really productive day to be honest. There were no classes today and the way my Parent Teacher schedule worked out I was only supposed to have one interview in the morning. She didn't come...go figure the one parent that I NEEDED to talk to doesn't come...is it any wonder her child is the one who beats everyone up? Anyway whole other issue haha. I spent the day doing long term plans from now until December in Science and in Health. Two subjects which I tend to put on the back burner a lot because I panic about Literacy and Math. So I braced myself and made sure I covered a complete unit in both Science and Health before the Christmas break so I feel great about that.

I did well with eating. I chose healthy meals all day and allowed myself a couple calorie friendly treats. I have realized that a sugary treat while it may not be the best option for me health wise, keeps me feeling normal and helps me to feel satisfied and able to ward off a binge more often than not allowing myself any sugar. I am sure the trainer at the gym would disagree telling me to really focus on cutting sugar from my diet but I am pretty sure he has never been caught up in a binge eating session as a result of restricting which ended up with his fingers down his throat. I was trying to follow the Body for Life program which has intense work outs low not no carbs and almost no sugar, Im talking like limited fruit supplies as well. I am sure this plan works but I am also certain it was never designed for Michelle.

I think the key is to find something that is realistic and works for me. Lately I have been trying to just make healthy choices based on what I know from past experiences with Weight Watchers. I am not totally following every single part of that program because I feel like I am at the stage where too much structure is overwhelming for me. I like Weight Watchers though because it allows you to make your own choices based on personal preference but encourages you to watch portion size which I guess takes us back to the age old belief that everything is ok in moderation. I hope someday I can enjoy any food in moderation. Right now I am still weary on some foods. I can't have ice cream in my house or I will polish off the entire tub. I can go and buy a small cone where the portion is limited but I can't have access to more just yet.

Well all in all I am feeling really good about this. I am onto Day 5, its a weekend, I am determined to stay within healthy boundaries. I am heading out for a shopping trip with my Mom and my sister. I know there will be times to eat out, I just have to rationalize and decide with is more important, the temporary feeling of eating bad or the long term feeling of making a healthy choice....heres to hoping I chose the latter!

Have a good one girls!

Love,
Michelle

2006-11-16T18:55:00.000-08:00

Well...Day 3 is just about over and I feel so good. It was my long long day of Parent Teacher Interviews which kept me at school until 9:00 yuck... I cant complain though they went really well.

So the day was really good overall. I didnt have time to get in a workout today, I suppose I could have went after I got home at 9 but to be honest I am just tired. Food wise things were really good all day very healthy. At suppertime, the principal ordered pizza for us in the staffroom. I orginally planned to not go to the staffroom and to eat when I got home but when supper came around, I was hungry. I went in the staff room and had 2 pieces of veggie pizza. I passed on the garlic fingers and pop, I passed on the brownie dessesrt. I did not once feel guilty about eating 2 pieces of pizza. I looked around and realized I was eating a real portion and not thinking about what I would eat next and after that and after that...it felt great to just enjoy it. Let me tell you...I really enjoyed it...I chewed every bite and savoured all the flavors it was fantastic.

When I got home at nine I had some carrots, crackers and bit of taziki (sp) sauce for a snack. Im on my way to bed feeling really good about the day...it wasnt perfect but it was realistic so in my mind its fantastic.

Im sure you are all doing fantastic...keep it up...

Much Love,
Michelle xx

Day Two

2006-11-15T18:46:00.000-08:00

Day two of my one week challenge was all in all a really good day. The day started off great. I was up early...too early. I was planning on going into school before my meeting just to meet my substitute and make sure he didnt have any questions about my lesson plan...brutal I know but I worry about stuff like that. Anyway I decided not to go that I just had to have confidence in my ablility to leave a clear and user friendly lesson plan. I had an extra hour and a half before my meeting. I went and got a coffee, filled my washer fluid and cleaned out my car.

I got to my meeting and had my first challenge at break time. It was a catered meeting with muffins, cinnamon rolls, cookies and a fruit platter with yogurt. My body was yelling "muffins, muffins muffins....ohh cinnamon roll....oooooh cookies!!" My head was saying...yogurt and some fruit. My head won. I grabbed a yogurt and a couple pieces of fruit. After break was over, I felt good and satisfied as well. I was proud of my choice, no matter how insignificant it may have seemed to an outsider looking in...I knew it was HUGE.

Lunch came and my collegues asked me to choose where we would eat. I quickly suggested Subway knowing I could make healthy choices there. Thankfully they were all happy with that choice. I got a Roasted Chicken wrap with lots of veggies and a little bbq sauce and a brownie...not sure if your Subways have these brownies but they are fantastic. 150 cals and delicious.

After my meetings were over I went to school for a bit, the suspense was killing me...had to know how the day went haha. The sub was still there so we had a good chat...they were great for him the only problems were with the ones I anticipated anyway so that was ok...they can't be perfect!

When I got home, I was tired and lazy...I made every excuse in the world not to do any form of exercize. I was hungry and bored...not a good combo. I had some carrots and broccoli to tie me over. I like to eat a later dinner to cut down on my night snacking habit. I had a little power nap and woke up feeling refreshed. I took Jaycee for a walk, she was chasing her tail and running all around the house like a mad dog...how could I not? That walk was just as important for her as it was for me.

It is a super warm day here today so my walk was very nice! My mind clears so easily when Im outside. I started thinking that its important that I celebrate my "non scale victories." I think my NSV for today is that I passed up the sweets this morning knowing that Im not at a point where I could have one and be done with it...I would want more, then I would end up just eating bad all day which would end in a b/p. So what seemed to be a small accomplishment could very well have been a deal breaker for the day. I feel very proud of this "little" choice and have decided to make it my non scale victory for the day.

After my walk I had a healthy dinner and a light snack. I feel great and Im on my way to bed, happy and proud of me.

Hope your all well today.

Much Love,
Michelle

Day One Update

2006-11-14T18:34:00.000-08:00

Well here is the Day One Update:

I woke up this morning and weighed myself...before you tell me I shouldn't do that hear me out. I weighed more than usual...to be expected after the last few weeks. Instead of beating myself up...I acknowledged the number and carried on. I had a nice long shower and mentally planned out things I could do today to make myself feel better. I knew I couldn't lose the weight I gained all in one day so I set some mini goals:

1. Drink two litres of water

2. Workout

3. Plan healthy meals and stick with them

4. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones

Goal number one met with no problem. I am a big fan of water and know that it always makes me feel better when I drink enough of it. When Im b/ping I dont get much water in my system. I drank just over two litres today. Peed a ton but it was worth it!!

Goal number two was tough for awhile. It took me most of the afternoon to convince myself that it would make me feel good. I love going for walks with my dog Jaycee but the weather is nasty here today, very hurricane like so that was out. I am not comfortable at the gym right now so I want to workout other ways for a couple weeks until I feel more whole again. So, I broke out my workout DVD's and did a great Cardio workout. I am in love with Turbo Jam its kind of like a mix between Tae Bo and Dance its fabulous.

Goal Number three actually worked. I planned a good menu with a little treat and I stuck with it. For breakie I had some toast with PB, snack was a package of nutrigrain munch em's, lunch was soup, a few breton minis and a fat free yogurt, dinner was a tofu stirfy and a sweet potato and my snack at the end of the day was a small vanilla ice cream from mcdonalds which I learned recently is made from ice milk and only has 150 calories...could be a new fave!!

Finally Goal Number Four....inspired by my lovely ladies in blogging world...replacing negative talk with postive talk. When you are conscious of you thoughts it is amazing how many times you catch yourself saying needlessly negative comments. I did really well intercepting negative thoughts and replacing them with positive ones. There were times when I just had to tell ED personality to just back off...I get tired of being mean to myself. I would NEVER speak to anyone else the way I speak to myself it's sad really.

So all in all I feel fabulous. I am proud of how the day went and look forward to another great day tomorrow. I am not in school tomorrow, I have to go to meetings all day blahhhhhh. I hate leaving my babies with a substitute...I feel like a mom leaving her kids!!

I hope you are all doing great! Keep posting you are helping more people than just yourself....we are going to get through this ladies...yay us!!

Much love,
Michelle
xoxo

A One Week Challenge

2006-11-13T17:56:00.000-08:00

From time to time, I get accused of being rather competitve...who knew? haha. I am extremely driven by challenge. My sister and I still cannot walk anywhere without racing to be the first one to the door, at school my coworkers and I are always trying to one up each other with the silliest things like the best bulletin board display. You get the idea. Tonight, I took my dog for a walk. It is such a beautiful fall night. The air is cool and crisp but not cold...perfect really. As we walked, I could hear the leaves crunching below my feet, I could see her breath as she panted. My mind started wandering as it tends to do.

I thought about a time only a few short years ago when Bulimia was nothing more than a messed up disease I knew nothing about and the words compulsive overeating meant nothing more than no self control. I was active, had a good relationship with food, was conscious of calories but not obsessed by them. I treated myself every Saturday to drinks with my friends and some sort of greasy goodness after the bar. I felt in control and satisfied. I did not have to stuff my face. I didn't wake up Sunday and continue a perpetual cycle of binge eating. I got back into my routines and looked forward to the next weekend. Through the week I tried to avoid fatty foods, but if it happend, it happend it wasnt the end of the world.

So tonight, I decided to challenge myself. I want to have one week where I do not seek perfection. One week where I am just good to myself. One week where I do not weigh myself everyday and decide based on the number I see on the scale whether or not I will have a good day. One week where I respect my body, I dont deprive it and I don't stuff it.

I am going to try to post everyday something that I did for myself that was good and how I'm doing with the challenge. Anyone that wants in on it can feel free to comment with their progress too!!

Well heres to a good week....

Weekend

2006-11-11T11:37:00.000-08:00

I wish that I was writing to tell you that I am doing fabulous. That I have not binged or purged since my last post. In reality I have not purged since Tuesday, and I have not binged since Thursday. So, no Im not doing fabulous, but Im still moving forward. Some days I get discouraged and think whats the use in trying to get better? Why cant I just be bulimic...and Thank God my rational brain actually takes over and yells "BECAUSE ITS UNHEALTHY, DISGUSTING, SECRETIVE, DESTRUCTIVE, AND WEAK." I have to love myself for having the never say die attitude. I know Im not better yet but Im not willing to stop trying.

This week has been a struggle. I have not done well at all but yesterday was good and so is today so far. I have a crazy hectic week ahead so I was thinking that by getting my ED under control I will be better equipped to deal with the stress. Otherwise its just going to mainifest into a full blown week of b/ps. I am making a conscious decsion now not to give in to this.

I hope your all doing well. I will be around your blogs soon.

Love yas,

Michelle

The Cycle Continues

2006-10-28T13:24:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am again, caught up in what feels like a downward spiral of self destruction. I was doing pretty good the last two weeks, had a few slip ups but not anything I didnt think I could get out of. Then yesterday hit. It was a crazy day at school, field trip, halloween party, and on top of that I forgot my lunch. On the last friday of each month two staff members bring in treats for "Fat Friday." There was lasanga, ceasar, bread and fudge. I know had I had my own lunch with me, I would not have been tempted by that stuff. As long as I am eating my own food, I can look at the bad stuff and just rationalize in my head that its really not healthy and would make me feel shitty.

I went to the staff room knowing I had a yogurt in the fridge and figured I would just grab that and be ok. Within minutes of being in there, I was sitting at the table with a plate of lasanga, ceasar and french bread and loving every minute of it. Half way through my meal I thought ok...no worries, everyone else is eating this and no one is going to weigh 10 extra pounds at the end of lunch, your ok. So I thought it was over. For the rest of the afternoon, all I could think about was the bad food I was going to eat later. I couldnt get my mind off food literally. My students were gone all afternoon so I was just left to prepare for next week...and try to ward off thoughts of a binge.

When I got home, my naturally thin, ultra athletic sister who eats whatever she wants was home, eating a large bowl of oreo ice cream....huge trigger. So then it began, I ate some ice cream...and by some i mean a lot...im talking a huge bowl. A couple hours later, we went to Wendy's for supper. I wasn't even hungry but I still manage to get 3 chicken strips and half an order of fries in my stomach...that felt great....right.

I went to a party last night, food, drinks the works...did I stay away from them....no, of course not. I ate junk and drank...the few hours when I had a wine glow on, I felt ok...when I got home and sobered up I realized how disgusting I felt. I had eaten like a pig all day, and never purged once. Normally Id be happy that I didnt purge...but I was annoyed at myself for allowing that much food to stay in my body...even today I am mad, I feel gross and wish I would have thrown up. Theres the kicker, not saying I wish I didnt binge but rather I just wish I would have thrown it up...man im screwed up.

Oh I forgot to mention. I emailed a place last week that deals with eating disorders. I just wanted some info about the type of treatment they offer, how payment works and what the waiting list would be like to get a chance to go and talk to someone. It has taken me two years to get to the point of even considering talking in real time to someone. I still havent heard back from them. WTF??? I am sure they are busy, I get that. But seriously, my courage is limited and a fast response doesnt give me too much time to think about things and change my mind. Im really bothered that they didnt respond. Maybe I should try calling this week, I guess its possible they didnt get my email. I just feel like email was easier because I have never had to put this disorder into words and something so simple as making a phone call seems so difficult.

I guess in a way I was sort of hoping they wouldnt respond because I am so afraid to actually go admit to someone that I am a 26 year old professional who eats more than 3 average men then makes herself throw up.

Ah, Im struggling today big time. I havent left the house yet, its nearly dinner time. I just keep doing silly make work projects to avoid reality...Im trying not to eat today and Im full of laxatives...something I have not done in soooo long. Why did I do this???

The Honesty of A Child

2006-10-16T19:21:00.000-07:00

So as most of you are aware, I teach Elementary School...which is in my opinion, the best job on earth...to be surrounded by little people who truly admire you is such a nice feeling. So today we were discussing the different uses for Mr, Miss and Mrs...after I explained each, a little boy put up his hand and said as innocently as ever "So you're a Miss because no one married you right?" I almost choked. How hilarious is that...funny because it makes me wonder how hold he thinks I am... so after I had a laugh at that and validated his comment...we moved on to our next exercize...they were to write a story about the day they found a magic crayon...the ideas were brewing some were talking about drawing disneyland in their backyard, a beach made of candies...but one little girl took a different route and thought she would use her magic crayon day to draw me a husband....hahaha.... sooo apparently im supposed to be married hahahaha gotta love them.

The Long Overdue Update

2006-10-14T13:54:00.000-07:00

Well it's been almost two months since my last post...I cant believe how time flies. Ok so here is the long overdue post about how things are going. Well, my battle with bulimia continues. I feel like I am getting so much stronger though. My episodes are very sporatic these days which is so nice but I just wonder somedays why I bother. Its not about weight because if it was, I would be still throwing up everyday...so what is it that stops me from fully recovering? I know when I dont do it, I feel great, I look great, and my attitude is so much more positive. Then, from time to time, I still get the nagging feeling that I want to binge and purge.

Like before, I am not purging my "normal" meals, you know the ones where the calories are decent and I feel good after Im done. But if I go for fast food, I cant just stop there, I end up in the midst of a full blown binge which ends in me purging. I dont feel like I am ever going to be able to just eat something and forgive myself....I forget what it feels like to just enjoy a treat...one treat turns into 10 then Im making myself sick...those of you who have past this hurdle...how did you do it?

So thats where I stand food wise. When Im good Im good when I stray from the healthy eating...I dont just have a treat....I have many and thats when the purging comes in.

Life wise, things have been great. I am loving my class this year, they are the sweetest group of kids, I couldnt have asked for a better class honestly. It makes going to work so easy knowing that they really like me and I really like them. Its only been about a month and a half and we have made a really tight bond already...so that makes me breathe a sigh of relief.

I met a guy this summer on Canada Day and him and I have been seeing each other since then. He is fabulous and I really like him. He's an aircraft mechanic and hes studying Psychology at university...we have a deal that hes not allowed to psychoanalyze me EVER hahaha. In all seriousness though hes great, he makes me feel sooo good about myself hes just genuinely a good person. The only complaint I have is that he is 2 1/2 hours away from me so we dont get to see each other very much. Im still ok with that right now but I feel like it kind of prevents us from moving forward..something that could turn into an issue down the road. I have made a conscious decision to live in the present with the whole thing. I just enjoy his company and will just go with it.

My girlfriends and I went down to Maine and New Hampshire last weekend to go outlet shopping, that was a sweet weekend. I bought tons of cheap clothes. It was very nice to get away for a couple days.

On the exercize front....I am following the Body For Life Program...I find the eating aspect of it too restrictive for me and we all know what restrictions end up doing to us...so I have decided just to be conscious in my food decsions and just go with the workout part of the program. It is amazing I love it soooo much. Its split up into a six day plan where you do legs on day cardio the next then arms, cardio, legs, cardio....the weight portion of it is done in a pyramid style where you increase your weight and reduce you repetions each set...its great. On my cardio days I have started a walk/run routine. Frida, I am still in early stages of it too I decided to take it slow...kinda following the couch potato-5k principle...so we shall see how it all goes. I love it so far though.

Well thats it for now...hopefully I will be better at the blogging....I know I say that a lot but Im trying to turn over a new leaf haha.

Take care girls,
Michelle

I Fell Forward :)

2006-08-18T18:53:00.000-07:00

Yay me!! I always tell everyone else who is struggling to fall forward when they fall...don't let a slip up turn into something major...learn from it and move on. Well, thats what I am doing. Last weekend, I went away to a wedding in Halifax. I had been doing really well with no b/ps and was enjoying a really healthy diet and lifestyle...actually enjoying it. I felt great. A couple of days before I left for the big wedding festivities, I started to panic a little bit about being in situations where I would be in the presence of a lot of triggers. Finger foods and lots of drinks.

I ended up partying pretty hard, getting loaded and ate too much which in turn caused me to throw up...I thought nothing of it because I was drunk...wow just typing this now sounds so lame...but for some reason, at the time, it made sense.

So from Thursday until Sunday I literally ate and drank myself into an oblivion. By Sunday evening, driving home, I was actually in pain. The amount of sodium, fat, sugar, and alcohol in my system was actually making my skin hurt...that sounds dramatic I know but I felt swollen all over my body. I had a 3 hour drive to do nothing but think and occaisionally sing off key to really bad songs.

This is when it sort of hit me that the very fact that I had feelings of uncertainty about the food and booze before I even left for the wedding, tells me that even though I am on the right road to recovery, the visibility ahead is still slightly reduced. I still dont have a normal relationship with food. I knew it was going to be a problem and I allowed myself to take a passive role in my own recovery. I am not sure what I expected, someone to come up with a genius plan for me not to trigger a b/p while in the presence of alcohol and tempting foods. In the end, I made bad choices and somehow managed to validate my behavior.

After the wedding, I looked and felt terrible. I had people asking me if I had a hangover...I said yes...man if they only knew that my "hangover" was from food.

Sunday nite, when I got home things looked bleak...I really hated myself. I felt too disgusting to even wear my jammies to bed...I am crazy about cute jammies they make me happy. Instead I climbed into bed in an oversized grey t shirt and a pair of jogging pants....very not Michelle. I layed in the dark and tried to just forget about the weekend I just had. Forget that I messed up. Figuring maybe if I closed my eyes tight enough it would all disappear. It didn't. I had a nagging voice inside my head telling me to get on this blog and admit that I was struggling. It took everything in me to log on and type that brief but angry entry. But after spending two minutes pouring out my anger, I started to feel better. I knew I couldnt change what I did but I could if nothing else, be honest to myself about it. I had two choices, continue down the road of self destruction or accept the fact that I am not 100% perfect all the time and move on.

Monday morning came around and I will admit it took me a long time to get out of bed. Not because I was still tired, not because I was dreading going to work. It took me a long time to get out of bed because I absolutely refused to allow myself to get up and start another day wallowing in my own self hate. I refused to get up and allow my circle of self destruction to perpetuate. So I lay in my bed thinking about how good it feels to be b/p free, how nice it is to wake up feeling light, how easy it was to walk without carrying bulimia on my back. Somewhere between 8:00 and 9:45am, I forgave myself.

I realized that just because I am doing well doesnt mean I am recovered. While I am still recovering, it is really important for me to create an enivronment that is conducive to healing. Does that mean no more weddings? I WISH!!!!! No, in fact it just means a little more care and a little more advanced planning for situations where I know there is going to be triggers. Allowing myself a couple drinks and maybe choosing one or two food items that look delish.... I know that I cant tell myself something is off limits...because then my defiant side comes out and wants it just because. So a realistic plan is to allow myself to choose one or two things that I think look the best...makes sense doesnt it....there is no rule that says I have to have 2 of everything on the table....and as far as drinks go, I know I lose my decision making skill by the time I have finised my second glass of wine so maybe I just need one glass so that my mind can stay clear and in control.

Ok my eyes are burning. This is a long long post sorry....if your still reading this your a legend.

Hope all is well in blogging land....I have been horrible for reading other blogs lately I promise to get there soon.

Take care,
Michelle xoxo

DAMN IT

2006-08-13T19:55:00.000-07:00

Well...Ive been slipping for the past week....pushing the limit every single day...eating too much...purging a little...but we all know what that leads to...a full blown fall off the wagon then get run over by it kinda weekend...damn. It has been brutal in every sense of the word. Cant stop eating....gorging is the better word...stuffing my face with bad bad bad food in large quanities...dont know what the hell happend to me this week. I dont have the energy to stop or to keep going I just feel drained...sad, mad..all those things. WHY DO I DO THIS?? Im in an emotional cul de sac and I dont know how to get out...what caused it??? I have no idea.... wow im pissed off at myself for just being so weak and out of control....i have to go to bed....

hope everyone is doing better than this!

Help me ladies...I need yas!

Love,
Michelle

Roadtrips and Bulimia??

2006-07-28T19:09:00.000-07:00

Two seemingly different ideas that just might go perfect together. Imagine for a minute that you are on a roadtrip. The trip is going just fine, your making good time, your seeing some beautiful scenery....all is going well until you realize that you are not on the road you are supposed to be on. It happened so quick you were not even aware the wrong turn was even coming up.

So what now? Would you assume that you will never get there and therefore crumple up the map and head back home? Would you forget all the progress you made in your journey and the happy feelings of contentment you felt when all was well?

I assume that two things are happening to people who are reading this right now. One, I assume you are laughing and thinking to yourself...wow that would be pretty ridiculous to whip the car around and go back home just because you took the wrong exit. And two, I assume that there are a few people having "Ah ha..." moments. You know those fabulous moments where you actually see the light.

I think common sense tells us that on a roadtrip, we would pull over for a minute and possibly swear a bit before pulling out the map that we may have crumpled up in a weak moment of frustration. We smooth the map out, find out where we are and what we need to do to get back on the road we want to be on. It only seems logical.

So....a little perspective on the struggle with Bulimia dont you think? A stumble is not a crash and burn unless we allow it to be and why on earth would be do that??

These Are The Days

2006-07-28T18:52:00.000-07:00

It's funny, on the days I am doing well, I feel less inclined to come to my blog and write about it. Almost like this is only an outlet for when I'm struggling. Then today, after browsing other blogs and hearing that people are doing well I thought, wow its so nice to read the positive stuff once in awhile rather than all the negative things that we are all so used to hearing. I think our positive entries an be rather theraputic for us when the urge to b/p arises. I know for me when the urge arises I lose all ability to think rationally. My mind is consumed with thoughts of food, my hands clench together, I get jittery...I literally step outside my body for a few minutes to allow the b/p to occur. So what if before stepping out of my body, I could somehow think about how I feel when I dont b/p?

Since the beginning of July, I have had 2 small slip ups. I dont say small trying to downplay the fact that I b/ped but rather to emphasize that even though I stumbled there was still some postives in the situation. Both times, I just felt like I had eaten too much. Both slight binges in comparison to some past episodes. I was happy that neither binges involved a mind boggling amount of food consumed in a short amount of time. I know that something I want to work on is finding out WHY I still feel the desire to b/p from time to time.

When I am not b/ping I feel light. I feel healthy. I feel strong. I feel in control. I feel beautiful. I feel NORMAL... Perhaps the next time the urge to b/p comes on I will try to remember how fabulous I feel right now...

Hope everyone is doing well.... keep working, we'll get there.

Much Love,
Michelle

Im Doing It!!!

2006-07-12T12:52:00.000-07:00

Well well well...it has been almost a month since I posted last and I am happy to say its been longer than that since I had a b/p!!!! I don't really know what happend but something has just clicked. I do not feel the urge to b/p because I feel absolutely amazing. I love waking up in the morning and feeling well rested and ready for the day rather than, physically and mentally drained with either a food hangover or a swollen face and bloodshot eyes.

I have made some changes in my life lately and think they may be part of it. I quit my night time job at a restraunt that was triggering a lot of b/p's. Stressful job and a lot of my trigger foods. I am working at a new restraunt but it has been great. Its busier in a good way, keeps my mind off food, I make fabulous tips and my boss is incredible.

My routines have changed a lot. I have a workbook that I use as a guideline to overcoming bulimia. It speaks a lot about having a good start to the day. I never really thought much about it my first few times threw this book but something just made sense. Productive morning would naturally lead to a productive day. I now vow to have productive mornings. Interestingly enough, I have discovered many bulimics share the same behaviors on many b/p days. I was amazed to learn that like many others, my b/p days almost all start by me either sleeping in or being really slow to get started. So even on my days off I get up at a reasonable hour and start getting things done. I also stopped eating cereal which through several discussions with people who struggle with an eating disorder, I learned was a trigger food for many people. Myself included. Not only did it not make me feel full, it just jump started sugar cravings...I'm not saying that cereal causes everyone to binge but it definitely has been a big thing for me. I replaced cereal with cottage cheese, melon and a bit of honey...its fabulous. I guess the important thing is that I found a trigger and I stay away from it. I am ok with cutting it out of my diet because its not an important part.

Another thing that was suggested in my workbook I have is been doing is listening to music as much as I possibly can. Sound crazy? Probably. But music makes me sooo happy that when I feel good mentally I am less likely to be physically self destructive.

The purpose of my website is not to sell any products or anything like that but the workbook I have been using has really helped me to reframe my thinking. It doesn't take bulimia away from me but it certainly helps me see it for what it really is. If anyone is interested in the book I am talking about here, please email me or leave me a comment with your email address and I will send you the information about it.

I hope you guys are all doing well. I am in the process of moving right now and trying to get my classroom ready for the fall so I havent had much blogging time. I will be visiting your sites soon I promise.

Much Love,
Michelle xoxo

Workin on It

2006-06-15T18:36:00.000-07:00

Well tomorrow will be one full week of no purging. I feel pretty good. I had a couple days this week where I definitely ate more than I had to but I did not purge. I have been really trying to take my focus off food and just eat when I am hungry. I find this to be my biggest challenge. Mostly because I am not sure I know what a true feeling of hunger is. I know the general stomach growling for me is not an indicator of true hunger because I can convince myself that I am hungry anytime which will then result in my stomach growling. I try to drink a lot of water through the day so that when I do feel my stomach growling, I know its hunger and not dehydration.

I feel like I am getting stronger. I know there will be slips in the road but I try to praise myself for the fact that I am getting stronger everyday.

I hope you are all doing well...thanks so much for your comments of concern and love you make me feel so good!

Much Love,
Michelle

I Am OK

2006-06-12T20:24:00.000-07:00

Wow, it feels nice to be able to write that! Things have been pretty good for me lately. I have had a few episodes but nothing that has managed to get me down. i continue to work everyday at getting better. Things are really hectic for me right now. I am juggling teaching and a waitressing job so it has left me very little time for posting. I promise to try to check in more often though!

I hope everyone is doing well...keep fighting....the only way we can't win is if we stop fighting. Much love to you all!

Emotional Situations

2006-05-27T18:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like a drama queen when I think about my eating disorder. I have encountered so many incredible women who suffer with some form of an eating disorder and so many of them have stories that will break your heart. Many have encountered abuse of some form or experienced a death of a close relative or friend. I have never ever experienced anything like that. I come from a good home, I have a great relationship with both my parents, my brother and my sister. I have never suffered a crippling death of someone close to me. So naturally when I think about whether I have ever suffered an emotional event which may have triggered my eating disorder, I say no. But its interesting because even in thinking about my own life and its events I still compare myself to others..."compared to other peoples problems or traumas, I have nothing" maybe its time to realize that I have had situations in my life that were problematic for me.

Since beginning this blog, I truly feel like I challenge myself just a bit further than I ever have. I air my dirty laundry out here because I can. Not because no one is listening but because I feel safe and I do not feel judged. I appreciate the comments left by people, it reminds me that people are listening and I do not struggle alone. So when I read my comments tonite, I was asked if I have ever suffered an emotional event which could have triggered this. My knee jerk reaction was to say no. Then as I was responding to the comment I found myself beginning to type such lines as " I have not suffered any emotional traumas except for...." thats when it hit me: not everyone suffers the same events and what seems to be nothing to someone is everything to someone else. There are 3 emotionally charged events which I think may have something to do with my developing an eating disorder they all fall in the six months prior to my first episode.

The first was the end of a relationship. I have never been one to read much into a situation with a person I was seeing. I was never that girl doodling my first name coupled with my boyfriends last name. I just always enjoyed relationships in the present moment. Then in my last year of university, I met him. The one who just made me whole. It was an instant connection and such a natural progression that we ended up a couple. We were very much in love. Then near the end of the school year out of nowhere, he broke up with me. At the time he could provide no explanation...I found out a few months later that he is in fact gay. The man I thought I would spend my life with is gay.

Two months after my relationship with him ended, I graduated from my second and final university program. I always imagined that would be an incredible feeling and it was at first. But as the parties died down and I had to start saying good bye to some of my best friends reality started to sink in. I had to enter the real world. I can remember thinking to myself that it felt more like someone was pulling my security blanket from my hands. I loved university, I loved my life, I loved my friends but it was time to change. I had not prepared myself for the feelings I was experiencing.

Two months after graduation, I was preparing to board a plane by myself and travel across the world to live in Japan for a year. When I was applying for the job, it just seemed like a cool experience, I am not sure I ever thought I would go. It happend so fast. I think had my relationship not fallen apart, I would not have gone through with it but I just felt like I had to run. The closer October came, the more stressed I became about life and love. I was secretly hoping Mr Man would come back telling me things were just complex and that we were meant to be together. I was also doubting my decision to move. I started to eat, and eat and eat. Then I noticed I got fatter and fatter. Literally I had gained about 10 pounds in a month. Panic set in and I began to purge.

The thing with purging is it is a total control thing. I knew there was not a lot in my life that I could control but this I could. I know the actual act of binging and purging is a lack of control but for me the moments of forcing myself to be sick seems like I am in control of the situation. So while none of my situations were truly traumatic events they were stressful and required me to give up control. That is something I am not good at doing. I wonder sometimes if some people are just predisposed to certain disorders be it alcoholism, eating disorders whatever. I think for me my eating disorder was manifested out of a series of stressful events and it became a coping mechanism of sorts. Ironically enough my coping mechanism now requires me to find a tool to cope with IT...hmmm interesting.

Much Love to Twosdy for challenging me to dig deep into these types of thoughts. I feel like I made a babystep here tonite.

I Stumbled...Again Urgh

2006-05-25T08:28:00.000-07:00

Well here I sit, the morning after...yet once again. I slipped last night. Not as bad as most binges but it definitely resulted in a purge. After work I was a little hungry so I had some cereal which sort of triggered a sugar attack so I followed with a granola bar and a bit of frozen yogurt. As I was putting the last bite in my mouth it dawned on me that I did not in any way need to eat all that. So, off to the bathroom.

It's amazing how my brain can transform and make me believe that this behavior is ok. My rationale last night was simply that the binge was not that big so I wouldnt have to purge much so technically its ok. I am so confused...somedays I feel so empowered and able to overcome this and other days I end up feeling like a powerless child.

So now what....I sit here trying to positive talk myself into not doing it again today because usually one binge starts another with me. I cant keep doing this I know I cant...but I do.

Heres to a new day....who knows maybe today is the day! Fingers crossed.

Progress Not Perfection

2006-05-23T19:28:00.000-07:00

I really can be my own worst enemy sometimes. Since Friday, I have not had a b/p. That is good right? Well then why do I constantly fill my head with negative talk? I am just so quick to remind myself that its "only" been a couple days. Since Friday, I have probably eaten more than I needed to a couple times and it took everything in me not to purge but its like this nagging voice in my head thats reminding me I havent purged YET.

I know that I should be happy with not purging, and I am, but I am so preoccupied with the fact that I am still eating when I dont need to. I cant seem to get away from a constant thought of food. There are times when it is literally all I think about. Like the rest of the world stands still while I sit and contemplate what I can eat to make the feelings go away. What void am I trying to fill? I dont know. I do know its a void that literally cannot be filled...I can eat and eat and eat my body will not say no...thats the problem. I know I have to get serious and get down to the heart of this issue. I guess in one way I am afraid. Afraid to realize Im more messed up than I ever thought I was. Afraid to get better because I forget what it feels like to be normal. Afraid of trying and failing.

Im frustrated....I dont know why I do what I do....I wont give in I will not purge...but I need to get some kind of control..... I hate this!!

What is in a Name?

2006-05-21T08:41:00.000-07:00

It is amazing to me how powerful a simple title can be. When I am in the midst of a powerful b/p cycle, I consider myself to be a bulimic woman. When things are a little more normal and balanced, the title bulimic woman changes slightly to a woman with bulimia. I am making a point here stay with me. When I consider myself a bulimic woman, I am essentially giving up, losing myself to the bulimia it becomes who I am.

On days like today, when i feel a little more in control, my thoughts shift to being a woman with bulimia. Sounds like a minor difference but it is really pretty large. When I consider myself to be a woman who struggles with bulimia, I am saying that first I am a woman and bulimia is something that I struggle with but it does not consume me. It is not who I am.

Right now I am on my second day of being b/p free. I feel good so far. What I hate the most is when I am trying to celebrate my small successes, there is a nagging voice in my head reminding me that it is temporary. For me, I know reframing my thinking is the most important thing I can do for myself in order to succeed.

Picture Perfect

2006-05-20T20:23:00.000-07:00

I know there is a love song with the line in it that says, "you say it best when you say nothing at all".... when I look at this picture, that line comes to my head. So many of us struggle to try to explain to ourselves exactly how Bulimia makes us feel...often times we stumble around our words and end up speechelss. Like the illness is just too big to explain. This picture just says it all. It explains perfectly how it makes me feel. This may not be true for everyone but for me thats it. A little piece of me is lost every single time I purge...I feel myself slipping further and further away and I dont know how to get myself back. I do know that I will never stop fighting, I am determined to overcome this. I will win and when this is all a part of my past, I will look at it as one more obstacle I overcame that made me stronger in the end. I will win...I will.

From Bad Day to Bad Habit

2006-05-20T18:50:00.000-07:00

In my earlier post, I tried to explain how quickly and without warning my battle with Bulimia began. I am an educated woman, I have taken numerous psychology classes, tons of womens history classes...my point being, I knew what Bulimia was, I knew how dangerous it was, I knew it plagued many women worldwide. What I didnt know was that I would become one of them. Just another statistic. For a long time, I denied there was an issue. Dont get me wrong, I knew sticking my fingers down my throat was not a good thing but I really thought it was just a phase. I could stop whenever I wanted. In the time frame of about six months, I went from being an occasional purger to a regular bulimic. My binges got more intense and my purging became more frequent.

It was not very often that I actually purged a meal. That is what was making me still believe I was ok, just struggling. The only time I would actually purge after a meal is when it was a binge meal...where i consumed way too much food. I have to say those did not occur very often. The days that I purged slowly started to become more common than the days I did not. I know when a binge purge cycle is going to happen. I can feel it from the minute I wake up in the morning. Its like an overwhelming urge that takes every ounce of strength inside me to surpress. It is a powerful feeling that is impossible to explain to anyone who has never struggled with an eating disorder. It is an urge you can feel from your toes all the way through your body. Most days, I can overcome the urge...but then the night falls and things just fall apart.

I have not yet figured out what makes the nights so difficult. Maybe thats the time that my mind is finally quiet and I can take stock of my life. Whatever the reason, I cant cope with nighttime. When I fall into the trap of a b/p cycle, it is literally an out of body experience. I know what I am doing is wrong but I just cannot stop it. It is an overwhelming feeling of having no control. It is the strangest thing in the world. I am miserable until I allow myself to binge, then I feel temporarily complacent. The feelings of complacentness are brief followed by feelings of self hatred and disgust. I patch those feelings up by purging. A way of regaining control. I lose control when I binge but somehow purging gives me back that control its like a game of tug of war only the stakes are much higher.

While I am purging, I am physically hurting but I am emotionally devoid of feelings. I do not allow myself to actually rationalize what is going on. I cant feel anything. Once I am done, there is a sense of calm which comes over me. I wash my face and brush my teeth. I clean up my mess in the bathroom and clean up the evidence of my binge. I always do this very quickly like if I get it all cleaned up its easier to pretend it never happend.

After I am done, the evidence is gone, I am at peace. Quiet and content. I put my pjs on climb into bed usually with a hot water bottle on my stomach, I am sure it physically does nothing but it makes me feel like I am nurturing myself. Maybe I feel guilty for the abuse I have just bestowed upon my body, maybe I am afraid of the physical damage I am inevitably doing to my body or maybe its just a way to sooth my mind and prepare me for a quiet night's rest. My final thoughts before I close my eyes are always that tomorrow will be a better day. And like clockwork, I wake up every morning feeling like today is the day I will not purge. There are days that it is true...I do not purge. What I long for is to wake up and have a day where food does not consume my thoughts....I forget what that feels like.

Feel Free

2006-05-20T18:37:00.000-07:00

I guess I forgot to mention in my earlier post that I most definitely welcome comments. Please feel free to share your stories, and thoughts. I thought about putting a warning to those with negative comments about how I would delete their posts because they were counterproductive but then I realized that there is nothing you could say to me that I haven't already said to myself....so having said that, I urge you to speak your mind but please try to remember this is not easy for me or anyone else who struggles with any sort of eating disorder.

Also, I have browsed the web seeking different artwork to help portray what the eye of my mind and the minds of others suffering from an eating disorder sees. These pictures posted on my site are not my work. Whenever possible, I will give credit to the artist. If you are an artist of one of these pictures, I applaude your work and thank you for creating it. If you have a problem with your work being on my site contact me and I will remove it immediately.

Thanks,
M

Who I Am

2006-05-20T16:16:00.000-07:00

The title of my blog is pretty self explanatory. I am a young woman in the midst of a battle with Bulimia. I have created this blog more as a theraputic tool for myself than anything. I am not exactly sure what my aim is with it. A diary, perhaps a way for me to get my thoughts out and try to pinpoint some of the issues that surround my eating disorder. I guess if it makes sense to anyone else then it becomes a double bonus. I have struggled with Bulimia for about two years now. I am sure there are some people reading this who are saying "just stop". Believe me, I have said it too. Back in uni, I lived with a bulimic. At the time it was a disorder that I was unfamiliar with. I could not for the life of me understand how she could hurt herself like that. I couldnt figure out how she couldn't just stop.

I have always been somewhat unhappy with my body. My brother and sister are built like my mother, tall and thin. I being the lucky one tend to resemble my father, not overweight, but not thin. Just bigger than my siblings. As a child, they constantly reminded me that they were smaller. I am not saying in anyway that they are the reason I developed an eating disorder but more so trying to make the point that my body was a sore spot even as a child. Anytime the sibling rivalry broke out, all they would have to do is call me fat. That would knock me out of the competition every single time. I could no longer fight, I was defenseless against that one word.

Ok so, I can't blame a crappy childhood for it. That always seems to be what therapists look for. I have never gone to a therapist. Mostly because some part of me knows I am strong enough to overcome this on my own. I mean I started it on my own, I should be able to end it on my own. Who knows maybe I am more screwed up than I realize and maybe I really do need to see someone. The thought of sharing my inner struggles and my disgusting secret with someone I don't know scares me immensely. So instead, I struggle alone. Not one person in my life knows about this. I have found solace in some amazing women via an online support site for those struggling with Bulimia, one in particular has just been my rock in the last few weeks. There is a lot to be said about opening up to someone and getting your thoughts out. I'm not sure my email buddy will ever know how truly important she has become in such a sort amount of time, but I certainly know.

On the surface, I have it all together. I graduated from University twice. I am a teacher. I have great friends all over the world. I have travelled a lot and plan to continue to do so. So why did this happen? Who knows. I can remember when, I just dont know why.

After I graduated from university, I took a job overseas. About a month before I was supposed to leave, the stress was starting to mount. What was I thinking? Moving across the world? Why? I started to comfort myself with food. Seems logical, have a bad day eat a chocolate bar. I didnt see it as a problem until I stepped on the scale and realized I had gained ten pounds in a month. Shit...what did I do? Ok no problem, just start eating better. I cant eat better, I am stressed out. The next thing I know I have consumed chicken nuggets, french fries, and ice cream. Thats not food that will help me lose ten pounds. Then as quickly as I consumed it, I found myself standing over the toilet with my fingers down my throat. I purged. After I was finished, I washed my face, brushed my teeth and walked away.

Not once did I stop and think OH MY GOD WHAT DID I DO? I seriously thought nothing of it and walked away. That was my first episode. In the days following that, I did not suddenly start to purge everything I ate. It would happen sporadically if I ate too much. It didnt become a regular occurance therefore, I didnt think it was a problem.

I moved overseas and life was good. The first month I was settling in, made some phenomenal friends, enjoyed my job. I was still getting used to living in another country. I had no binge purge episodes. Until one night, I found myself feeling my first pang of homesickness. Hmm what to do. Ah! Comfort food. I walked to a nearby store not sure what it was I was looking for. My solution, just get a few things, you can decide later what you feel like. So I stocked up on random junkfood which I assumed I would stash in my house for future moments like this. However, there was a flaw in my plan. As I walked home I nibbled mindlessly on my stash of junk. By the time I got home I had consumed all of it. Ice cream, a chocolate bar and a box of chocolate almonds. To counteract the sugar surge, I suddenly wanted salt. I ravenously scoured my cupboards for something to solve my dilemma. I got my hands on some crackers. I consumed half the box before my stomach caught up with my brain and realized what I had done. Alone, in a dimly lit apartment, half way across the world, I sat among the remainders of my comfort food. All the wrappers, not a morcel of food left.

My stomach upset and making disgusting noises it almost seemed cruel not to do it. So I headed to the bathroom with a glass of water and it began. I purged until I couldnt purge anymore. Then again just like nothing I walked out of the bathroom feeling fine. Only this time I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My face and lips swollen, my eyes bloodshot and full of tears. What did I do? I barely recognized myself. Panic set in. I didnt know what to do. I ran into the kitchen and scooped up all the empty wrappers knowing my roomate would be home soon and I could never let her know what I had just done. I cleaned all traces of my episode from the bathroom and ran myself a nice hot bath. I got my MP3 player, a book and dipped into the tub. Thats what I do when I have a bad day I soak my cares away in a nice hot tub. It only seemed proper get in the but and erase all the bad things that just happend. After all, I didnt have a problem, I just had a bad day.