Tuesday

Hey girls,

Sorry for my missing in action status lately. Things have been rather hectic. So...where to begin? Hmmm ok well my one week challenge was not as great as I would have liked but it did allow me to have five days of goodness. I had a rough couple days day 6 and 7...nothing extreme but just some over eating combined with more negative self talk...the good news is...I got out of it. Yesterday was fantastic...I felt great all day, complimented myself a couple times and had a great workout at the gym. I told my best friend about trying to have a week of being good to myself...she challenged me to another week with her. Our goal is to eat healthy and get to the gym 6 of 7 days. She is not totally in the loop as far as just how deep my struggles are but she knows something isn't right...she never prys and Im grateful for that.

School has been really crazy lately. The kids are getting wound up for Christmas which makes it harder to get things done. There is one in my class that Im worried about which stresses me out...I can't leave it at work I just worry about him at night, all day....its awful. We are taking the proper chanels to find out what is going on with him but things are such a process its frustrating.

Things with John and I are over. I am not totally sure why other than the fact that it just wasnt feeling right. It's the best I can do to explain. Im a firm believer if your heart is telling you something you just have to listen to it. I know that might sound cold but I just can't explain why things are wrong...they just are.

Today has been a great day so far. I am busy but I love being busy. I hope you are all having a good day and that you all know just how much I appreciate you!!

Love,
Michelle

Day 5

Not fabulous...but not bad...I ate more than I had to but I didnt purge. I definitely lost a bit of self control around some cookies but it wasnt a full blown binge so I guess its still progress...Im not feeling that great about it but I vow to leave it at that and roll on...I cant let a bump in the road be the end of the journey....4 days of strength will not be undone by one day of weakness.

More tomorrow Im really drained.....loooooong day today

Day Four

Well Day 4 came and went with no problems. It was a really productive day to be honest. There were no classes today and the way my Parent Teacher schedule worked out I was only supposed to have one interview in the morning. She didn't come...go figure the one parent that I NEEDED to talk to doesn't come...is it any wonder her child is the one who beats everyone up? Anyway whole other issue haha. I spent the day doing long term plans from now until December in Science and in Health. Two subjects which I tend to put on the back burner a lot because I panic about Literacy and Math. So I braced myself and made sure I covered a complete unit in both Science and Health before the Christmas break so I feel great about that.

I did well with eating. I chose healthy meals all day and allowed myself a couple calorie friendly treats. I have realized that a sugary treat while it may not be the best option for me health wise, keeps me feeling normal and helps me to feel satisfied and able to ward off a binge more often than not allowing myself any sugar. I am sure the trainer at the gym would disagree telling me to really focus on cutting sugar from my diet but I am pretty sure he has never been caught up in a binge eating session as a result of restricting which ended up with his fingers down his throat. I was trying to follow the Body for Life program which has intense work outs low not no carbs and almost no sugar, Im talking like limited fruit supplies as well. I am sure this plan works but I am also certain it was never designed for Michelle.

I think the key is to find something that is realistic and works for me. Lately I have been trying to just make healthy choices based on what I know from past experiences with Weight Watchers. I am not totally following every single part of that program because I feel like I am at the stage where too much structure is overwhelming for me. I like Weight Watchers though because it allows you to make your own choices based on personal preference but encourages you to watch portion size which I guess takes us back to the age old belief that everything is ok in moderation. I hope someday I can enjoy any food in moderation. Right now I am still weary on some foods. I can't have ice cream in my house or I will polish off the entire tub. I can go and buy a small cone where the portion is limited but I can't have access to more just yet.

Well all in all I am feeling really good about this. I am onto Day 5, its a weekend, I am determined to stay within healthy boundaries. I am heading out for a shopping trip with my Mom and my sister. I know there will be times to eat out, I just have to rationalize and decide with is more important, the temporary feeling of eating bad or the long term feeling of making a healthy choice....heres to hoping I chose the latter!

Have a good one girls!

Love,
Michelle

Well...Day 3 is just about over and I feel so good. It was my long long day of Parent Teacher Interviews which kept me at school until 9:00 yuck... I cant complain though they went really well.

So the day was really good overall. I didnt have time to get in a workout today, I suppose I could have went after I got home at 9 but to be honest I am just tired. Food wise things were really good all day very healthy. At suppertime, the principal ordered pizza for us in the staffroom. I orginally planned to not go to the staffroom and to eat when I got home but when supper came around, I was hungry. I went in the staff room and had 2 pieces of veggie pizza. I passed on the garlic fingers and pop, I passed on the brownie dessesrt. I did not once feel guilty about eating 2 pieces of pizza. I looked around and realized I was eating a real portion and not thinking about what I would eat next and after that and after that...it felt great to just enjoy it. Let me tell you...I really enjoyed it...I chewed every bite and savoured all the flavors it was fantastic.

When I got home at nine I had some carrots, crackers and bit of taziki (sp) sauce for a snack. Im on my way to bed feeling really good about the day...it wasnt perfect but it was realistic so in my mind its fantastic.

Im sure you are all doing fantastic...keep it up...

Much Love,
Michelle xx

Day Two

Day two of my one week challenge was all in all a really good day. The day started off great. I was up early...too early. I was planning on going into school before my meeting just to meet my substitute and make sure he didnt have any questions about my lesson plan...brutal I know but I worry about stuff like that. Anyway I decided not to go that I just had to have confidence in my ablility to leave a clear and user friendly lesson plan. I had an extra hour and a half before my meeting. I went and got a coffee, filled my washer fluid and cleaned out my car.

I got to my meeting and had my first challenge at break time. It was a catered meeting with muffins, cinnamon rolls, cookies and a fruit platter with yogurt. My body was yelling "muffins, muffins muffins....ohh cinnamon roll....oooooh cookies!!" My head was saying...yogurt and some fruit. My head won. I grabbed a yogurt and a couple pieces of fruit. After break was over, I felt good and satisfied as well. I was proud of my choice, no matter how insignificant it may have seemed to an outsider looking in...I knew it was HUGE.

Lunch came and my collegues asked me to choose where we would eat. I quickly suggested Subway knowing I could make healthy choices there. Thankfully they were all happy with that choice. I got a Roasted Chicken wrap with lots of veggies and a little bbq sauce and a brownie...not sure if your Subways have these brownies but they are fantastic. 150 cals and delicious.

After my meetings were over I went to school for a bit, the suspense was killing me...had to know how the day went haha. The sub was still there so we had a good chat...they were great for him the only problems were with the ones I anticipated anyway so that was ok...they can't be perfect!

When I got home, I was tired and lazy...I made every excuse in the world not to do any form of exercize. I was hungry and bored...not a good combo. I had some carrots and broccoli to tie me over. I like to eat a later dinner to cut down on my night snacking habit. I had a little power nap and woke up feeling refreshed. I took Jaycee for a walk, she was chasing her tail and running all around the house like a mad dog...how could I not? That walk was just as important for her as it was for me.

It is a super warm day here today so my walk was very nice! My mind clears so easily when Im outside. I started thinking that its important that I celebrate my "non scale victories." I think my NSV for today is that I passed up the sweets this morning knowing that Im not at a point where I could have one and be done with it...I would want more, then I would end up just eating bad all day which would end in a b/p. So what seemed to be a small accomplishment could very well have been a deal breaker for the day. I feel very proud of this "little" choice and have decided to make it my non scale victory for the day.

After my walk I had a healthy dinner and a light snack. I feel great and Im on my way to bed, happy and proud of me.

Hope your all well today.

Much Love,
Michelle

Day One Update

Well here is the Day One Update:

I woke up this morning and weighed myself...before you tell me I shouldn't do that hear me out. I weighed more than usual...to be expected after the last few weeks. Instead of beating myself up...I acknowledged the number and carried on. I had a nice long shower and mentally planned out things I could do today to make myself feel better. I knew I couldn't lose the weight I gained all in one day so I set some mini goals:

1. Drink two litres of water

2. Workout

3. Plan healthy meals and stick with them

4. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones

Goal number one met with no problem. I am a big fan of water and know that it always makes me feel better when I drink enough of it. When Im b/ping I dont get much water in my system. I drank just over two litres today. Peed a ton but it was worth it!!

Goal number two was tough for awhile. It took me most of the afternoon to convince myself that it would make me feel good. I love going for walks with my dog Jaycee but the weather is nasty here today, very hurricane like so that was out. I am not comfortable at the gym right now so I want to workout other ways for a couple weeks until I feel more whole again. So, I broke out my workout DVD's and did a great Cardio workout. I am in love with Turbo Jam its kind of like a mix between Tae Bo and Dance its fabulous.

Goal Number three actually worked. I planned a good menu with a little treat and I stuck with it. For breakie I had some toast with PB, snack was a package of nutrigrain munch em's, lunch was soup, a few breton minis and a fat free yogurt, dinner was a tofu stirfy and a sweet potato and my snack at the end of the day was a small vanilla ice cream from mcdonalds which I learned recently is made from ice milk and only has 150 calories...could be a new fave!!

Finally Goal Number Four....inspired by my lovely ladies in blogging world...replacing negative talk with postive talk. When you are conscious of you thoughts it is amazing how many times you catch yourself saying needlessly negative comments. I did really well intercepting negative thoughts and replacing them with positive ones. There were times when I just had to tell ED personality to just back off...I get tired of being mean to myself. I would NEVER speak to anyone else the way I speak to myself it's sad really.

So all in all I feel fabulous. I am proud of how the day went and look forward to another great day tomorrow. I am not in school tomorrow, I have to go to meetings all day blahhhhhh. I hate leaving my babies with a substitute...I feel like a mom leaving her kids!!

I hope you are all doing great! Keep posting you are helping more people than just yourself....we are going to get through this ladies...yay us!!

Much love,
Michelle
xoxo

A One Week Challenge

From time to time, I get accused of being rather competitve...who knew? haha. I am extremely driven by challenge. My sister and I still cannot walk anywhere without racing to be the first one to the door, at school my coworkers and I are always trying to one up each other with the silliest things like the best bulletin board display. You get the idea. Tonight, I took my dog for a walk. It is such a beautiful fall night. The air is cool and crisp but not cold...perfect really. As we walked, I could hear the leaves crunching below my feet, I could see her breath as she panted. My mind started wandering as it tends to do.

I thought about a time only a few short years ago when Bulimia was nothing more than a messed up disease I knew nothing about and the words compulsive overeating meant nothing more than no self control. I was active, had a good relationship with food, was conscious of calories but not obsessed by them. I treated myself every Saturday to drinks with my friends and some sort of greasy goodness after the bar. I felt in control and satisfied. I did not have to stuff my face. I didn't wake up Sunday and continue a perpetual cycle of binge eating. I got back into my routines and looked forward to the next weekend. Through the week I tried to avoid fatty foods, but if it happend, it happend it wasnt the end of the world.

So tonight, I decided to challenge myself. I want to have one week where I do not seek perfection. One week where I am just good to myself. One week where I do not weigh myself everyday and decide based on the number I see on the scale whether or not I will have a good day. One week where I respect my body, I dont deprive it and I don't stuff it.

I am going to try to post everyday something that I did for myself that was good and how I'm doing with the challenge. Anyone that wants in on it can feel free to comment with their progress too!!

Well heres to a good week....

Weekend

I wish that I was writing to tell you that I am doing fabulous. That I have not binged or purged since my last post. In reality I have not purged since Tuesday, and I have not binged since Thursday. So, no Im not doing fabulous, but Im still moving forward. Some days I get discouraged and think whats the use in trying to get better? Why cant I just be bulimic...and Thank God my rational brain actually takes over and yells "BECAUSE ITS UNHEALTHY, DISGUSTING, SECRETIVE, DESTRUCTIVE, AND WEAK." I have to love myself for having the never say die attitude. I know Im not better yet but Im not willing to stop trying.

This week has been a struggle. I have not done well at all but yesterday was good and so is today so far. I have a crazy hectic week ahead so I was thinking that by getting my ED under control I will be better equipped to deal with the stress. Otherwise its just going to mainifest into a full blown week of b/ps. I am making a conscious decsion now not to give in to this.

I hope your all doing well. I will be around your blogs soon.

Love yas,

Michelle