Confessions of a Bulimic

I am broken, but everyday in everyway I work on getting better.... I dedicate this blog to myself, and to any other individual who struggles with body image or eating disorders of any sort.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Almost a month??

Holy Hannah......its seriously almost been a month since my last post. WOW. Well hmmm where to start.....Christmas was good...had a couple episodes over Christmas but nothing that I felt too bad about. I mean yes, I would have loved to be able to not b/p at all but I have to realize that Im not totally over this and there will be bumps. There were, I got over them.

So now its January. I have not b/p since January 1st. I feel fabulous. I have not even had the urge to binge since January 8th can you believe that?? My sister and I joined the Body for Life Challenge at our gym. A 12 week long program on food and exercize, its amazing. Its nice to have a coach to tell us what kinds of foods are actually good fuel and what exercizes will yeild the maximum results. So far its been amazing. I feel great and think its just what I needed.

Work is going really well. This is my first year actually teaching in Canada so it has been a learning experience since September but I finally feel like I really know what Im doing...I dont stay for hours after school..it feels great.

I think I met a boy.......cant comment too much on him just yet other than hes so cute and so sweet.....nuff said :)

Hope all is well with you ladies.....

Love,
Michelle

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Merry Christmas ladies!!

I know I haven't been so good with posting but things are going really well. In the past month I have had one slip up. I feel great about that. I am really enjoying the holidays and being thankful that I have come such a long way since this time last year.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year. Enjoy this time and be good to yourselves.

Oh, my friend had her baby on Dec 22....it was a 7lb 14 oz girl...perfect perfect perfect. She ended up having a c-section which was definitely not fun but c-section babies dont have coneheads hehehe so she's gorgeous...her name is Madelanya Rose (Maddie).

Talk soon!

Love,
Michelle

Sunday, December 10, 2006

HUGE DAY

Well, yesterday was perhaps one of the best days I have had in a long time. Since the beginning of my struggle with Bulimia, I have slowly alienated myself from a lot of my best friends. I never really meant to do it but I slowly backed away from those who know me really well mostly out of fear that they would notice that something wasn't right with me and would call me on it. I was silently screaming for help but at the same time, unsure of what I would do if anyone extended their hand to help me. Would I take it? Would I slap their hand away? I really think I would have slapped their hand away. I say that only because when I was in the midst of my struggles I knew I couldn't live like this forever, I knew part of me wanted to change but the other part of me didn't think I could change and wasn't sure I actually wanted to.

In the past year, I have seen my life go from extremely fullfilling, to almost meaningless. I was existing rather than living. It took me almost a year to see it. Now that I have I am absolutely shocked that I went on so long. Anyway, little by little my life is changing and I am SO happy to see it coming back, Im getting back to who I am and who ever would have known it would be so amazing.

On Friday, I caught up with my bestest friend from high school. She and I have really drifted apart in the last couple years. I flew home from Japan last year to be in her wedding. That was when I was up to my ears in an eating disorder and I knew for a fact that she knew something was up. So rather than sit and talk to the one I knew would listen with an open mind and without judgement, I did my best to make sure we didn't spend anytime alone. I made sure we were always caught up in wedding things so that there would be no time for her to tell me she was here if I needed to talk. I managed to avoid that the whole 3 weeks I was home. I got back to Japan...back to where no one knew anything was wrong.

Since I moved home from Japan last Christmas, I made every possible excuse not to catch up with her. She lives about 45 mins away from me and I had not seen her once in a year. I literally turned and ran from her. I often think if she were to alienate me like I did her would I be there for her if she ever tried to make nice? I really hope I would...but man it would be hard.
She phoned me in May to tell me she was having a baby...I really should have been down there the moment she called to celebrate this fantastic news the way a real best friend would...instead I made empty promises to go see her...I never did. This has continued for months.

In October, we made plans for me to go see her new house and her growing baby. I really did plan to go then. I wrote it down on two calendars and I forgot. So rather than calling her and telling her that....I did what I did best...criticized the hell out of myself and then avoided her. Finally, on Friday we caught up. I knew the jig was up. I couldnt lie to her anymore, I couldnt make up anymore lame excuses...I had to let her in. We made plans to get together on Saturday, and I actually kept the plans.

We got together yesterday for lunch. She is as beautiful as ever...very close to her due date she is just stunning...the only thing different is that there is a full grown baby inside her just waiting to make her appearance. I say her only because I want a girl haha.

Anyway, we chatted about all the things that had been going on lately and we caught up on all the town gossip hehe. Then I just let down all my walls and told her about everything that had been going on. I think on part of her was shocked, one part was relieved to finally know and one part of her knew all along. Thats the great thing about best friends...they really do already know what your going to say...they just wait for you to say it.

Her reaction is exactly what it should have been. Kind, understanding and certainly not judgemental. She told me that she knew something was up and wasn't sure how to go about talking to me about it. She told me about different times when she suspected things and also that she thought I was headed for trouble the year before it all started...she was right.

She is now the only friend I have who knows everything that is going on. (Not that I dont consider you gals my friends, I certainly do, but I just mean my friends who I have known for years) It was not nearly as hard as I imagined it would be to tell her. Once I started it just flowed out. I feel like a whole new person now that I have told her. Like a whole weight has literally been lifted off my shoulders. Im relieved to know I am not lying to her anymore, and even more relieved to know that through it all she is still by my side. I don't know what I did to deserve a friend like her but Im so glad I found her.


Anyway, I hope you gals had a good weekend. I cannot post messages on anyones blogs right now because there is something going on with my internet that isn't letting me have second windows open up...Im no computer whiz but I know its not right hehe. Im reading your blogs I just cant respond....I will as soon as I can.

Take care,
Michelle xo

Friday, December 08, 2006

Well ok....so it's been awhile since my last official post. So yeah here's a recap....Friday was my staff party...I ended up drinking far more than a bottle of wine...lets try two bottles and 6 shots of sour puss...the good thing was I was too drunk to even think about eating bad food....but not too drunk to hit on the bartender who occaisionally subs at my school...who also came back to our after party looking for me but by that time I was too drunk and gone home to pass out fully clothed with a box of Dunkaroos on my chest...yep I went home planning to eat Dunkaroos apparently but I actually got them opened.

Saturday was a glorious day of hangover...one of those good ones where your ok as long as you dont actually open your eyes, move your head, hear any form of noise whatsoever and eat a lot of grease. I finally managed to roll out of bed at 2pm. My sister and I went shopping in town around 3 but not before I gunned a double cheeseburger meal from good ole Macca's into me. That was so de-frickin-licious. We shopped for a bit then decided we needed to go for supper at East Side Marios....where we split an order of Nachos, the all you can eat bread and salad then each proceeded to eat a pasta plate...needless to say there was no room for dessert. So yeah all in all....I did not exercize either of those days.

Sunday was a new day. I got up went to the gym, did a good leg workout for 45 min and ate really well...it feels good to have a productive Sunday. Monday was excellent as well...I ate really well and got in a 45 min Cardio workout. Tuesday was my lazy day...it was a long day at school and I was beat when I got home...I didn't go to the gym...I ate really well though so I felt ok about that. Wednesday I went to the gym and made up for not going Tuesday I did a good 45 min arm workout and a 30 min Cardio...also ate really well yesterday too.

Then today rolls around, Im feeling amazing...I didnt feel like going to the gym but decided to push myself to go for a quick cardio workout. When I got there I felt great I ended up doing a 25 min walk/run and 30 min on the bike...I ate really well today too. I weighed myself at the gym tonite and I am down 1.8 since Sunday so that helped motivate me to stay on track tonite.

I am so glad we are doing this challenge....it has helped me put a realistic perspective on things...Im not being perfect Im being real...this is part of me...I like to go out...I drink...sometimes too much and eat bad the next day...thats what I do....im sure there are people who think thats bad...meh...whatever I like it haha. So I think its all about balance through the week.

I have another staff party next weekend...this one is at my principals house...I think I might offer to drive for that one...no need of being a drunk asshole at his house....plus there is no bartender to hit on so whats the use hahaha.....

Much Love to you girls
Michelle xo

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Tuesday

Hey girls,

Sorry for my missing in action status lately. Things have been rather hectic. So...where to begin? Hmmm ok well my one week challenge was not as great as I would have liked but it did allow me to have five days of goodness. I had a rough couple days day 6 and 7...nothing extreme but just some over eating combined with more negative self talk...the good news is...I got out of it. Yesterday was fantastic...I felt great all day, complimented myself a couple times and had a great workout at the gym. I told my best friend about trying to have a week of being good to myself...she challenged me to another week with her. Our goal is to eat healthy and get to the gym 6 of 7 days. She is not totally in the loop as far as just how deep my struggles are but she knows something isn't right...she never prys and Im grateful for that.

School has been really crazy lately. The kids are getting wound up for Christmas which makes it harder to get things done. There is one in my class that Im worried about which stresses me out...I can't leave it at work I just worry about him at night, all day....its awful. We are taking the proper chanels to find out what is going on with him but things are such a process its frustrating.

Things with John and I are over. I am not totally sure why other than the fact that it just wasnt feeling right. It's the best I can do to explain. Im a firm believer if your heart is telling you something you just have to listen to it. I know that might sound cold but I just can't explain why things are wrong...they just are.

Today has been a great day so far. I am busy but I love being busy. I hope you are all having a good day and that you all know just how much I appreciate you!!

Love,
Michelle

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Day 5

Not fabulous...but not bad...I ate more than I had to but I didnt purge. I definitely lost a bit of self control around some cookies but it wasnt a full blown binge so I guess its still progress...Im not feeling that great about it but I vow to leave it at that and roll on...I cant let a bump in the road be the end of the journey....4 days of strength will not be undone by one day of weakness.

More tomorrow Im really drained.....loooooong day today

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Day Four

Well Day 4 came and went with no problems. It was a really productive day to be honest. There were no classes today and the way my Parent Teacher schedule worked out I was only supposed to have one interview in the morning. She didn't come...go figure the one parent that I NEEDED to talk to doesn't come...is it any wonder her child is the one who beats everyone up? Anyway whole other issue haha. I spent the day doing long term plans from now until December in Science and in Health. Two subjects which I tend to put on the back burner a lot because I panic about Literacy and Math. So I braced myself and made sure I covered a complete unit in both Science and Health before the Christmas break so I feel great about that.

I did well with eating. I chose healthy meals all day and allowed myself a couple calorie friendly treats. I have realized that a sugary treat while it may not be the best option for me health wise, keeps me feeling normal and helps me to feel satisfied and able to ward off a binge more often than not allowing myself any sugar. I am sure the trainer at the gym would disagree telling me to really focus on cutting sugar from my diet but I am pretty sure he has never been caught up in a binge eating session as a result of restricting which ended up with his fingers down his throat. I was trying to follow the Body for Life program which has intense work outs low not no carbs and almost no sugar, Im talking like limited fruit supplies as well. I am sure this plan works but I am also certain it was never designed for Michelle.

I think the key is to find something that is realistic and works for me. Lately I have been trying to just make healthy choices based on what I know from past experiences with Weight Watchers. I am not totally following every single part of that program because I feel like I am at the stage where too much structure is overwhelming for me. I like Weight Watchers though because it allows you to make your own choices based on personal preference but encourages you to watch portion size which I guess takes us back to the age old belief that everything is ok in moderation. I hope someday I can enjoy any food in moderation. Right now I am still weary on some foods. I can't have ice cream in my house or I will polish off the entire tub. I can go and buy a small cone where the portion is limited but I can't have access to more just yet.

Well all in all I am feeling really good about this. I am onto Day 5, its a weekend, I am determined to stay within healthy boundaries. I am heading out for a shopping trip with my Mom and my sister. I know there will be times to eat out, I just have to rationalize and decide with is more important, the temporary feeling of eating bad or the long term feeling of making a healthy choice....heres to hoping I chose the latter!

Have a good one girls!

Love,
Michelle